So Me and Rachel Ray

And so you think you’re Rachael Ray in a rock and roll movie …

You think, hey, she’s there in a small space making a meal in thirty minutes, I mean, really, you say, I’ve been cooking for like – ever – just what could be so hard about that?

Okay. Well, I added one more thing to her deal but, Gees and Louise,

It weren’t that easy.

The meal I set out to copy was vegetarian and healthy. Both these facts, at least, remained at the end of my program.

Firstly, if anyone has watched Ms Ray perform her culinary skills, I do say, she does make it look easy. Good on her.

And when she is finished, there is no mess. My kitchen looked like Hurricane Andrew and Katrina had children illegally and they were fighting over the inheritance of the South Seas.

The menu –

Penne Pasta with a Cauliflower sauce

Portabella mushrooms and Kale in wine sauce

Of course, it so sounds like a piece of cake. There is no cake. But there are things caked on to my stove and floor now.

The Cauliflower Sauce was quite interesting. You sauté 5 garlic cloves and one red onion in some EVOO (That’s what Rach always says, “EVOO” – sounds kind of spooky, doesn’t it? But it’s Extra Virgin Olive Oil).

Now, you should have your things chopped and diced and ready to go. I, however, did not. I’m skilled at it, remember? (Ha Ha Ha)

I had put my EVOO in the pan and set it on low, as you are not supposed to let that kind of oil smoke, so I kind of forgot about it. …Then I smashed my garlic cloves with a little jar because I can’t find my press and I peeled them quick as I could and threw them in the pan. Yes, forgetting …

1. Splatter some places.
2. Recover and on to the next step …

Add one chopped red onion. I didn’t think it would take that long to chop a red onion, Rach takes about 30 seconds!! So I noticed that my garlic cloves are getting kind of brown, and I begin throwing my red onion in there. I mean, what is this red onion doing? Growing as I chop it?

Okay. So I get the onion in with the garlic and now I am supposed to chop the cauliflower. I watched Rachael do this. No big chore she showed there. She does have a tad bit more space than I do. And the woman is very organized with her little garbage bag on the counter (best invention in the whole of the kitchen world) – but I, of course, did not have one ready because I have no space and I – oh never mind –

I began chopping the cauliflower. Then, I thought,

1. This is taking forever so I’ll just chop it over the pan.
2. No. Dumb Idea. That takes even longer.
3. Back to chopping on the counter.
4. I’ll be days finding all that cauliflower
5. I got some in the pan

It begins to simmer in a lovely way. It is suppose to cook down. At this point I forget what else is supposed to go in it. Ummm. So I put some Italian seasoning and it seems like it’s drying out so I added a cup of vegetable broth. THEN I remember, Rachael added the water from her pasta!! Her already cooking pasta.

Which I had forgotten about getting ready at all.

1. Boil the water for the pasta
2. Put the pasta in the water. Do not cook for the 15 minutes IMO.

Now the portabella mushrooms. I didn’t have a pan left that was big enough for the big mushrooms that you slice into nice ¼” sections and brown in the EVOO. You brown them first, before adding any salt for flavoring because if you add the salt first it will dry out that mushroom. Isn’t that interesting? The pan I had to use was quite small.

I only say this because I didn’t end up adding all the kale she suggested ….a pound and half of kale…which I am glad about because even if kale is good for you, and you do put two rounds of a turn of merlot on it, and some nutmeg…it’s only going to taste ‘just so good’ – if you get my drift, as in “there is no chocolate in kale” …

Onward,

After the mushrooms have browned (there in my little tiny pan), you turn them over.

By now I have about twenty cooking utensils in various places all over the counter.

My cauliflower sauce needed to be mashed. Yes, you mash it. With a potatoe masher. Now, in the real recipe at that point you would have added some of that stock from the cooking pasta. Which Rachael says, with much vigor, is full of great whole wheat things and all.

This, however, would not have worked for me because I didn’t have a pot big enough for all the pasta I poured in and so it was kind of drying up to the top. At first I poured in like half of the pasta, and then I thought, you know what, as long as I’m cooking, might as well just cook the whole thing. Why? Why do I do these things? Rachael Ray doesn’t do these things?

Okay, so where was I?

Oh yeah, I’m supposed to add the kale that I mentioned earlier. I did add some. It’s beautiful looking, but like I said …about kale…if you like it, you add it and move it around and let it get wilty, and then you add more and let it get more wilty, until you have added a POUND and a HALF of Kale. (Do you know how much BeanO I would have to eat to have a pound and a half of Kale?)

Alrighty, then.

To recap:

1. Pasta is boiling.

2. Cauliflower is mashed.

3. Kale is steaming over the browned mushrooms, on which you have poured two turns of the merlot should you wish. If not, you can use some chicken stock and you should put some nutmeg on there. Rachael did. But I forgot. And drat about that.

Back to the Cauliflower Sauce. You add one cup of Parmesan cheese. You are supposed to grate it fresh, but I had enough going on and am glad I had the presence of mind to buy some that was already fresh grated.

I’m trying to think.

I think that’s it.

My Cauliflower Sauce didn’t look like a sauce. It looked like some kind of hash brown potato dish. You are supposed to pour the pasta in it, but I was afraid to do that in case it was not so good.

Oh, the other thing I was cooking was some meatballs and turkey sausage in Italian gravy. Actually, I never call it gravy, I call it spaghetti sauce, but I just felt like saying gravy just then. It’s fun to call it gravy. I think I will from now on.

So. I called in Madam Blueberry.

And she’s very cautious.

“Oh, is this that recipe you got from Rachel Ray?” (She’s being very sweet because she is hungry). “Looks good,” she says.

And believe it or not, it was!! I recommend the Cauliflower Sauce.

The Kale I can live without.

I think I’ll call the Governor about the state of my kitchen. Maybe I can get some funding.