Huh? What? Where am I?

I really need to snap out of it. I am wondering if I should give myself a deadline. This lingering melancholy mood is needing a new drum beat. Boom Chalka-laka-boom-blah.

I did read a couple of good books in an effort to rudely interrupt this weird feeling that is settling around me. Engulfing me like a cloud of haziness of non-understanding of what.the.hell.is.going.on. in this world. I cannot figure it out. My tiny brain has gone all fluff and Pooh Bear.

I thought I should make a self-diagnosis, as doesn't everyone who has a search engine do that? --

Perhaps I am suffering from :

1. Cabin Fever.
2. Boredom
3.. Old Age
4. Chi gone askew (I don't think that means I shorted out my flat iron, as I do not own a flat iron)

1. According to Wikipedia regarding the problems being Cabin Fever -- "Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow or dark".

I shall examine -- Irritability with everyday objects? Like lamps and pots, maybe? "I love lamp." ....or dining room chairs? I can't think of any material object I am irritable with at the present time

And, I do have an urge to go outside. It's just that the weather is not conducive to walking for leisure or working in the yard, at all. The mosquitoes will carry you away and the heat will slay you like a dragon in a fairy tale. Okay so, maybe I don't have Cabin Fever. Scratch that theory.

2. I read something about boredom, as I feel that kind of thing, too. The article said that if you are bored, than maybe you are at a Crossroads in your life and it is time for Change. I remember growing up hearing: if you are bored, you are boring. Both could be true. I feel at a Crossroads (the one that is closer to death than life) and I feel boring several times a day. Possible check Yes on that one.

3. Theories that revolve around aging. Yikes, well, it's happening.

A vague one is: you get older and you change (oh wow, did a Rhodes Scholar do their dissertation on that?). Maybe I am stuck in the Changing Lane at the Crossroads? I also read that the later years are the Yearning Years. Which I can only translate into meaning there are feelings reflecting some kind of regrets for what you did or didn't do. I refuse to comply. I'd rather just paint everything a bold and brilliant color and move on.

4. So, then there's my Chi - (Qi?) My energy flow could be blocked? Ah, so, grasshopper. I think so maybe and perhaps. That makes sense. I have no energy. So why is it blocked? Is it blocked from dealing with other people's judgments and ideas on how life is or should be - for me - and my kids and husband -- at this point in time because I don't want to listen?

Blocked from listening to the crazies in the world blathering on about a person can't be 'a way' or not 'a way' because that is not 'the way' that 'they are'? Not every path in the same. We are not robots although we are programed to receive.

Maybe I have built a wall in that area and it's blocking my oxygen and light and not allowing me to see the good faith in humanity. Maybe my Chi suffers. Nothing worse than a sad Chi. Imagine a river that is blocked from flowing it's natural course and the fields around it begin to dry up when once they were full of beautiful wildflowers and butterflies. Interesting...

So to sum up:

"Who are YOU?" asked the caterpillar...*

and Alice replied ".... I -- I hardly know, sir, just at present -- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."*

I am Alice.

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle! "*

The older I get, the more I realize that I am just a rambling state of consciousness that someone began to program in the early years. As the years went on, I tried to adjust the prewiring, and then there were years of constant static, and then began a network that aligned with brief moments of clear thought I want to tune into that.

So, what do we have here? An Aging Alice who is a bit bored and has a kinky Chi?

In the now and in the end, we are all looking at the same moon. Whoever you are, and whoever I am, we are looking at the same moon, and you can't do one thing about that and neither can I, nor do I care to. I hope we would all find some peace in that. Perhaps when we can't think of anything else to do, we could look up at the moon and think of 'the all' in the world that needs peace in their life and send up a prayer.

Tomorrow is another day. I hope to do well in it. To do something good in it. Even if it's just to smile at someone. How much effort could that take? I should have the energy for that. My Chi will just have to deal.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? "*

I do.

~Miss Roxie

*all quotes are from Alice in Wonderland