Old Traditions can be sucky

1. Does being a man mean never having to say you're sorry?

2. If this moment right now isn't perfect, what are you going to do because this is all you've got right now?

3. My father who is 82 yelled in my face. Somehow, I don't see how this is a very good example of what I should be like when I grow up.

What I realized was this, my father doesn't see me as a person in real life. He sees me as one of the children he had that interrupts him when he is talking. His children interrupted him with some need that was in the category of a child needing things.

And the biggest thing I, in particular, interrupted was his Life. When my mother became pregnant, back in the day when dinosaurs roamed the earth and ruled the minds of moral dictates, my parents - 17 years old and owning not a damned thing - had to 'do the right thing' and get married. Oh Freak Out.

So this act began my placement in the family as the Scapegoat. It was My Fault, you see, that 'his life' - which was not so great at the time, but apparently had potential - took the turn that it did.

I have bared the brunt of this feeling he created in his head,

(as that is what happens in a lot of situations when control is taken away from you by circumstances - as he felt his was taken away from him - you put your anger about the situation on the object that you feel created that circumstance - well, that you think created it anyway, and a lot of babies are considered to be 'at fault' for their parents odd beginnings)

but Thank God, many people are growing out of this Old School Way of Thinking and the Precious Babies are not being blamed any more for the parents indulging in an 'active moment' in their life, shall we say? At least, I hope so!

4. Anyway, since I have emotionally grown in so many ways as a human bean, as a person on the planet, and now being Older Than Jackson Browne, and understanding so much of what causes people to act the way they do - I always think that others may have grown as well. This is not necessarily so. Ah, so sad.

My father, bless his heart, is stuck in a time zone/warp/era or something someplace where he never got to prove he was right about whatever it is he thinks he was right about. At least he is with me. He is, however, very, very kind to strangers and people he meets outside the family. This is also typical. As in his mind, they cannot hurt him. As he feels, he has the control. He goes out of his way to tell us stories about how he made someone smile or have a laugh on a day in his life (and, of course, I can't interrupt).

Oh well, I am working on coming to the conclusion that my father and I, may never have a regular ebb and flow of conversation. That I may always be the child who just has to listen and he will always be the person who has to talk.

I'll live.